How no turned into yes in three days

Today’s Wednesday guest post is written by Liz Neunsinger. Liz and I share a passion for education and getting our financial houses in order. I’m so happy that Liz is sharing her story about how she and her husband both got on the same page when it came to their finances, even if it took him a bit longer to jump on the bandwagon. Her story shows that we can all change our ways. We just need a place to start.

tugging at money

The most important thing I learned about my marriage came when we decided to get out of debt.

My husband and I married in 2010. At first, we didn’t combine our finances. Neither of us had a clue about how much debt the other brought to the marriage or how much the other made. We paid bills willy-nilly and were getting by. Savings or investments? Forget it! We were all over the place with no path and no goals.

About 8 months after the wedding, I had the opportunity to attend Financial Peace University (FPU) through my work. This was the 13 week FPU course offered in 2 days of intense study. My husband couldn’t attend with me. The first day I listened hard. Wide eyes and dreams floating in my head, this was what we were going to do!

I went home that night and spoke at 100 miles a minute for 3 hours about how great this course was and how it was going to change our lives! We needed to combine our debt, combine our finances, and get on a plan. Finally, when I took a breath, I asked what he thought. “No.” he said so matter-of-factly. My heart sank. We were not on the same page. He didn’t want to combine finances because he didn’t want me to pay for his debt. He didn’t like the budget restricting his purchase power. Bottom line, without his willingness, this plan was going to fail.

I went to the next day of FPU with a sad heart. I listened and dreamed, but it wasn’t the same as day 1. The next day went by. On the 3rd day after we talked about a budget, my husband said, “OK, let’s do it.” Immediately, I realized what happened. He needed a few days to think about and research this new plan. He needed time to ponder. I, on the other hand, was impulsive and excitable. I was ready with little thought. This nugget of information has been the pinnacle of communication in our marriage ever since on EVERYTHING! When I want something, I tell him what I want and he researches it for days. When he wants something, by the time he tells me about it he has already researched it and chosen what he wants. I’m very amenable to his request because I know it’s calculated. Then we budget for it and purchase it.

The best thing that could have happened to us is to decide to get out of debt. Not only has the budget been a monthly map to staying debt free, but the lesson I learned about how to communicate with my husband has kept us strong for 4 years. By the time we talk in depth, we’re both in a mindset to have the discussion, which leads to the best outcome.

When you talk to your spouse, how can you use your personality styles to get you both on the same page? How can you help your partner understand your side before passing judgment? What can you share with your spouse about your communication tendencies that will help them talk with you?

To follow Liz and her adventures in education and finances, check out her blog Study Paycheck.

When two become one

I went to a lovely wedding this weekend. During the ceremony, the priest discussed how in marriage two people come together to become one. This is a theme in most, if not all the weddings I have attended, including my own. It’s a beautiful thought really. The bride and groom, living separate lives, now join together and create one new life together.

In my years of counseling, I think a lot of people miss this message when it comes to finances. Most couples with financial problems (which quickly become marital problems) fall into one of two camps. Either they keep their financial lives completely separate or one person becomes the “financial guru” in the relationship. Generally, this person has the entire weight of both financial lives upon their shoulders but both partners still act as though they are living separate financial existences.

The hardest part of counseling people in either of these camps is convincing them that in order to end up at the same place at the end of their financial journey (usually retirement), they need to work together. There is no longer “her money” and “his debt” but “our money” and “our debt”. It’s impossible to have one spouse truly prosper financially when the other has debt of any kind. Whether or not you believe it, your financial lives will be forced to become one at some point. Hopefully that moment comes as prosperity at retirement, rather than bankruptcy later in life.

I’m a big believer in setting down goals. What kind of retirement do we want to have? How are we going to get there. When having children, will one of us stay home? Public school or private school? Do we see ourselves living here forever? Do either of us need more education to achieve our goals?

Jeff and I have these kinds of conversations all the time. It’s actually fun to sit down and ponder the future and try to figure out how we will get there together. We do our monthly budget together. We celebrate our financial successes together. We work out the setbacks together. We didn’t always do this. A few years ago, we were one of those couples where one person handled the finances. It was stressful. It caused disagreements. It caused strain between us. Once we got on the same plan and started working together, everything changed. The money stress is virtually gone. When there is money stress, we handle it together.

I’m not saying things are going to change overnight, but when you start to see your finances as one unit that you both must carry together, it will start to get better. Your marriage will become stronger and the stresses that come with money will be less.

For more information on this, I highly recommend The Total Money Makeover and Financial Peace Revisited. Both books cover how to talk to your spouse, how to have those budget meetings and how to put together a plan for the rest of your financial life.