A coupon too far

The Veteran and the Coupon Warrior entered a little bit of heaven. It was the legendary land of electronics.  The Coupon Warrior seemed in some rush.

The Veteran said, “Hey relax, we are not in any rush.”

She just responded, “Jeffery.”

As they went deeper he would occasionally say something like, “LOOK SCREEN SHINY” or “BUTTON FLASH, JEFF WANT!”

Turning into the main aisle of the store her voice turned into a severe warning, “JEFFERY!” the Coupon Warrior’s eyes narrowed.  The Veteran was shocked to learn this place was not heaven, but some evil attempt to lure the pair into another battle for savings,”Crap, but the name was so good.”

She moved quickly and stealthily. The Veteran was forced to run to keep pace.  However, he always preferred speed in the shopping experience.  The Veteran watched with pride as the Coupon Warrior effortlessly kneed a cell phone salesperson in the groin without breaking stride. The poor chump just fell silently to the ground.

With speed and precision the pair torn through the store; occasionally, the veteran heard a faint voice saying how much they could save by switching plans.  However, the voice was distant and beaten.

The confident pair turned into the final aisle.  The Veteran noticed the ground shift and tried to warn the wife, “Ambush!”  However, it was to late; the pair started to sink into the quicksand pit that appears in every store.  He looked desperately at his wife as she opened her coupons. There was a massive explosion of expired coupons.

The Veteran saw a zombie looking cell phone salesman entering the aisle, arms stretched out, “moooore miiiinutes.”  He looked desperately, seeing his wife unable to move.  Thinking of the poor cats at home and his injured wife the Veteran reacted.  He grabbed a bag of cat litter and threw it in the cart.  Lifted the injured Coupon Warrior over his shoulder dragging the cart our of the pit away from the zombie cell phone salesman who still cried, “moooore miiiinutes.”  He ran down the long back aisle towards the check out.  Pushing the cart and carrying the wife towards cashier his heart quickened until he heard the sweetest voice say, “Honey.”

Hoping the wound was not fatal he placed the Coupon Warrior on the ground at the end of the aisle.  “What is it dear?”  She weakly smiled, “I found a coupon!”  Her smile grew.

The veteran smiled, heart full of love, “Dear, you are too injured; wait here.”  He lifted the cat litter over his shoulder.  He looked back up the long back aisle. Seeing it filled with hundreds of zombie salesmen.  He smiled noticing they stopped in housewares and wishing they were in S-MART.  No S-MART, no guns. Then thinking of his buddy Mike (the zombie expert, yes zombie expert), he grabbed the closest crowbar.  He took a second to look back at the wounded Coupon Warrior and said, “Save me some sugar baby!” turned towards the zombie cell phone salesmen, he lifted the crowbar over his head screaming, “OH WELL!” He heard his wife say faintly, “But honey, sugar is NOT on sale.”

The battle was quick but deadly, the heads of zombies were quickly parted from their heads. The veteran did not escape unscathed, covered in bite marks and 2-year contract paper cuts.  He looked back at the corpses smiling.  He pulled his wounded body back into the cat aisle, grabbing the correct litter. He dragged himself back to the coupon warrior.  He watched as she pulled herself back to her feet.  Finally, the Veteran placed the litter into the cart. A very confused looking Coupon Warrior asked sweetly, ” I didn’t tell you it had to be the fifty pound bag?”  The veteran started giggling.  The Wife looked at him and said, “Are you all right?”  The Veteran started laughing. “Jeff?” . . . “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . more minutes” was his last response. As all went black he heard, “Oh and we need cat food.”