Jeff’s view: Feeding yourself when your wife is not home

When in the course of family events, it becomes necessary for one husband to feed himself and risk dissolving the bands that connect his stomach and currency, and to assume among the powers of Earth the ability to create a dinner that is not an abomination to the laws of Nature, with a decent respect to the wife’s laws of living frugal.

As a husband, the prospect of caring for yourself should not really rise to the level of a declaration of independence.  However, if you choose, with your wife, to live frugally it ruins many of the tried and true methods that men should use to feed themselves (a.k.a. pizza delivery).  Like my wife, I have come up with some important recipes that can help any man survive without resorting to breaking the budget. It is very important to understand that if this is going to work, you need drinks.  I recommend beer and soda; have her buy them to maximize savings. Let’s be honest if we go to the store it will be the first found, not the best deal.

Deluxe Popcorn

1 package Boy Scout popcorn, 1 bag price ??? (it doesn’t matter; it needs to be boy scout popcorn because it is the best)
1 pinch of salt, price ??? (who cares it is only a pinch)

First, you place the popcorn in the microwave (NOTE FROM WIFE: make sure to remove the plastic wrapper from the microwave popcorn before placing in said microwave) then press the popcorn button on the microwave.  You must remember that the door must be closed for the microwave to work due to oppressive government regulations.

Open bag of popcorn and slowly pour popcorn into plastic bowl.  I believe you can throw these away since they are not glass. IF YOU USE A GLASS BOWL NEVER THROW IT AWAY; WIVES DO NOT CONSIDER THESE DISPOSABLE.

This dish is best served with a glass of clear soda on a movie or tv watching evening.  You can also consider serving the popcorn on a bed of T-Bone steak if there is one in the freezer.

Special note: Also if your microwave does not have a popcorn button you will need to call you wife to ask how to set the microwave.  You do not want guess.  However, as you know, the microwave must be broken due to the lack of popcorn button.  You will have to work into your budget to replace the broken device ASAP)

Deluxe Bologna Sandwich

2 slices of Wonder bread
2 slices of yellow American Cheese (yellow American Cheese not valid in New England so you will have to use White)
2 slices of Oscar Meyer Beef Bologna
1 teaspoon of Yellow Mustard

First you will open the two slices of bread and place one piece of American cheese on each piece of bread.  Then on one side place two slices of bologna.  Dab the yellow mustard on the meat.  Finally place two sides together on paper plate with a side of chips.

This dish is best served with a lovely red soda.  You might also look to spice it up a bit by placing chips directly on the sandwich.  Once you are done make sure to eat the paper plate so you are not force to waste time going back to the kitchen to throw it away.

(This is the point if we had a lawyer they would force me to retract the last statement or point out it is a joke.  Well, it is a joke, DO NOT EAT THE PLATE JUST LEAVE IT ON THE TABLE)

I would like to wish everyone good luck when they are left alone.  I will follow up at times with more helpful recipes to allow you to keep your budget lean and your belly full.  Good luck and eat the plate. I was just joking about the warning.  It is really good fiber so eat it.  😀

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I have enough men friends to know that you have to give detailed instructions like these or else…although some of them call me sexist for saying so. But the thing was, my husband agreed with me. I’m bookmarking your site.^_^

  • I don’t understand why your wife is not there to feed you.

    As the old joke goes “How many men does it take to open a beer?” Answer – “None, it should be open when she brings it to you.”

    My suggestion is that your wife make your meals BEFORE she goes out.