My husband’s interpretation of yesterday’s grocery experience

There are two sides to every story. This is Jeff’s version of yesterday’s events:

The Veteran and the Wife were trapped in the muddy trenches of some place she called the “Grocery Store.” The Veteran coolly slipped through the jungle maze of food and deals when he finally saw their opportunity to escape. However, his plan was foiled as his wife started to engage a terrible foe called the cashier.

Her weapon of choice was her voice and eyes deceptively sweet and innocent, in truth accurate and deadly. He watched in horror as her shocked words and innocent looks flew down range at her poor young foe, “It looks like fresh breaded chicken to me are you saying your store sells bad chicken.” Followed by an even more devious and deadly round, “I am so sorry. I did not realize this coupon is no longer valid.” The Veteran was so moved by the ferocity of the “Shock and Cute Eyes” attack, he was pulling out his own wallet to pay her for the coupons the foolhardy cashier failed to take.

Before, the Veteran could grab his wallet, the wife reopened up with a bomb shell that almost took out the store, “I READ ON A BLOG THAT YOU ARE TAKING COMPETITORS COUPONS!” The phrase so powerful the veteran feared everyone in the store might have been taken out. He peered through clearing smoke and debris of the checkout aisle and was relieved to see his wife still on her feet. The veteran stood up brushing off the debris from his sales-soaked jeans to see an amazing site. The Cashier mustering the full might of his waffling and cracking teenage voice spoke, “I’m sorry lady that’s against store policy.”

The Veteran cringed seeing the deadly sweet look the Wife gave shot at the Cashier as she said fine and paid. The Veteran, clear of the foe, picked up speed and maneuvered the cart and couple into the long hall leading to freedom from the store. His eyes widened as the pair approached the light of the door. His excitement so much he failed to notice that behind the loving voice of his wife a predator stalked. Eyes devoured every sign for some proof until right before they reached the doors she pounced. Her arm striking forward created such a powerful shockwave, knocking over the cart, the veteran and setting ablaze a stack of plastic wrapped firewood.

The innocence had left her voice replaced with a righteous fury. With crazed bloodshot eyes she leaned down and looked the veteran in face, “Put the groceries in the car, I am going back in!” The Veteran’s eyes filled with fear and flushed with tears screamed out a warning to all that could hear, “My God, she wants her three dollars!”

Even more terror filled him as he could see all the customers start to flee like gazelle towards the exit. He rushed to get the groceries back into the cart hearing the screams of the head cashier who must of quickly fell. He got the last of the food in the cart out the door as the other customers sprung past him into the crisp clean air of northern Connecticut. He quickly loaded the groceries in the car watching as the roof started to collapse on the grocery store. He watched as the cashier tried to make a break out the door and was quickly enveloped in darkness and ripped off his feet back into the store as the walls collapsed.

Finally as the dust settled the figure of an angel appeared leaving the burning rubble. Her smiled filled him with love and joy as the Wife was waving their three dollars in the air. She ran up and the hugged him as the pair got in their car, turned west and started to drive towards the sunset. Proudly the Veteran looked in the rear-view mirror, seeing the ruins of the once proud store knowing that the maximum savings had been achieved. Proud that like a true warrior his wife used only conventional savings warfare and had not resorted to water boarding the manager.

He laughed a little wondered how they seemed to rebuild every week after our visit because this is the experience of the Veteran and the Warrior Wife every week.

When joining the savings battlefield of Northern Connecticut LISTEN. If you hear a man scream, “My God! She wants her three dollars,” just jump out the nearest exit. Because she will do it again . . . just like this . . . no exaggeration . . . “Scouts honor”.

I love my husband.

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