To Klingtocash With Love

Dearest, K
I am blessed with the love and dedication you show to me.   You make me the best dinners and stretch every penny into three.  You listen, play and understand me almost every day.  Your laughter is always welcome, even when it is pointed at me.  Because, You fuel my ambition and tempter it when needed.  You push me to write and to follow every dream.

It is you and no one else that makes me Klingtoliberty.  You are the warmth of Gardul and love my curmudgeonly ways.  You forgive me when I say “today is only special since I love you more then yesterday.”   So I ask  you to forgive again as I hack into your blog and to post about my love forgetting any ads.

With you I am at happiness.

Love,

J

Jeff’s Session: Christmas Gifts

The following takes place on December 23rd
from 11pm to 12am
events take place in not so real time
Badum Badum . . . Badum Badum

Inside a Geek Squad van at the Best Buy parking lot. “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH, stop doing that I am an American citizen. I told you everything. You cannot do this to me.”
Sneering at the store employee, “Stop your crying, Chucky. I know the target was here. I know he talked to you. And I am suppose to believe he was just here looking at video games and that is it.”
Chucky begged, “I swear that is all I know.”
The agent shook her head, “I would like to believe you, but we will have to make sure”

BARINnnnng. BARINnnnng. Female agent answers the phone, “This is Kristin.”

“Hello Kristin, it’s Chloe. We have located the target; he is preparing to move the packages”

“WHAT! Where is he?”

“Kristin, it looks like an super secret abandoned nuclear fallout shelter . . . ”

Bleep burp . . . “Sorry Kristin, this is Jack Bauer. I hate to interrupt. I am in the middle of this terrorist thingie in New York. I am going to need Chloe back. I am sorry Kristin; this is a higher priority the you finding out what you got for Christmas, Snoopy Snoop.”

“FINE, Whatever! Chloe, could you forward the screen to my friend Jenny?”

“Yes Kristin and good luck. I am forwarding the information. You should start by going to Union.”

Kristin hops out of the back of the van walks over to her grey Kia Sprectra and peels out of the Best Buy parking lot on her way to Union. Beep … Ber … Eeek … Bup … Ni … cluck … Eeek … Took … Eeek … Took BARINnnnng . . . BARINnnnng

“Hello, Jenny this is Kristin.”

“Kristin, it is very late”

“Jenny, I know it is late. The target is moving and I need you to run ops for me. I also need a clerk picked up with an interrogation package using the double doozie protocol.”

“Fine, I am looking at my screen. The target has just left the super secret abandoned nuclear fallout shelter in Union. Where are you? He just passed a Dunkin’ Donuts.”

“Dunkin’ Donuts, Clever man! There are some many of those in Connecticut if he keeps passing them we can never track him with drones. ”

“Wait, turn around, Kristin! I just saw you passing him at that other Dunkin’ Donuts, the one without the Drive Thru.”

“I am behind him. I don’t think he noticed I just turned really hard into the Dunkin Donuts with the drive thru and bought a coffee. I think my cover is still safe. However, I am several blocks behind him because I needed extra cream.”

“He is making a move past Foxwoods. Only twenty minutes before bingo starts. He is stopping and taking the packages into the Casino . . . Kristin I cannot make out the packages . . . it appears they are already wrapped”

“Darn, You need to run the credit cards and interrogate Matt. This is not over yet.”

Badum Badum . . . Badum Badum

NOTE FROM KRISTIN: Let me be clear that I was asleep while this alleged plot was taking place. This is what happens when my husband starts watching too much 24 on Netflix.

Jeff and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah.

P.S. I’m not a Snoopy Snoop! It’s not my fault that someone used MY Amazon account to purchase presents for me. It’s not my fault that Amazon sends out emails that say “<The Name of Your Item> has been shipped” in the subject.

A coupon too far

The Veteran and the Coupon Warrior entered a little bit of heaven. It was the legendary land of electronics.  The Coupon Warrior seemed in some rush.

The Veteran said, “Hey relax, we are not in any rush.”

She just responded, “Jeffery.”

As they went deeper he would occasionally say something like, “LOOK SCREEN SHINY” or “BUTTON FLASH, JEFF WANT!”

Turning into the main aisle of the store her voice turned into a severe warning, “JEFFERY!” the Coupon Warrior’s eyes narrowed.  The Veteran was shocked to learn this place was not heaven, but some evil attempt to lure the pair into another battle for savings,”Crap, but the name was so good.”

She moved quickly and stealthily. The Veteran was forced to run to keep pace.  However, he always preferred speed in the shopping experience.  The Veteran watched with pride as the Coupon Warrior effortlessly kneed a cell phone salesperson in the groin without breaking stride. The poor chump just fell silently to the ground.

With speed and precision the pair torn through the store; occasionally, the veteran heard a faint voice saying how much they could save by switching plans.  However, the voice was distant and beaten.

The confident pair turned into the final aisle.  The Veteran noticed the ground shift and tried to warn the wife, “Ambush!”  However, it was to late; the pair started to sink into the quicksand pit that appears in every store.  He looked desperately at his wife as she opened her coupons. There was a massive explosion of expired coupons.

The Veteran saw a zombie looking cell phone salesman entering the aisle, arms stretched out, “moooore miiiinutes.”  He looked desperately, seeing his wife unable to move.  Thinking of the poor cats at home and his injured wife the Veteran reacted.  He grabbed a bag of cat litter and threw it in the cart.  Lifted the injured Coupon Warrior over his shoulder dragging the cart our of the pit away from the zombie cell phone salesman who still cried, “moooore miiiinutes.”  He ran down the long back aisle towards the check out.  Pushing the cart and carrying the wife towards cashier his heart quickened until he heard the sweetest voice say, “Honey.”

Hoping the wound was not fatal he placed the Coupon Warrior on the ground at the end of the aisle.  “What is it dear?”  She weakly smiled, “I found a coupon!”  Her smile grew.

The veteran smiled, heart full of love, “Dear, you are too injured; wait here.”  He lifted the cat litter over his shoulder.  He looked back up the long back aisle. Seeing it filled with hundreds of zombie salesmen.  He smiled noticing they stopped in housewares and wishing they were in S-MART.  No S-MART, no guns. Then thinking of his buddy Mike (the zombie expert, yes zombie expert), he grabbed the closest crowbar.  He took a second to look back at the wounded Coupon Warrior and said, “Save me some sugar baby!” turned towards the zombie cell phone salesmen, he lifted the crowbar over his head screaming, “OH WELL!” He heard his wife say faintly, “But honey, sugar is NOT on sale.”

The battle was quick but deadly, the heads of zombies were quickly parted from their heads. The veteran did not escape unscathed, covered in bite marks and 2-year contract paper cuts.  He looked back at the corpses smiling.  He pulled his wounded body back into the cat aisle, grabbing the correct litter. He dragged himself back to the coupon warrior.  He watched as she pulled herself back to her feet.  Finally, the Veteran placed the litter into the cart. A very confused looking Coupon Warrior asked sweetly, ” I didn’t tell you it had to be the fifty pound bag?”  The veteran started giggling.  The Wife looked at him and said, “Are you all right?”  The Veteran started laughing. “Jeff?” . . . “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . more minutes” was his last response. As all went black he heard, “Oh and we need cat food.”